Q&A: Dealing with Emotional Exhaustion as HR Leaders with Ryan-Mae

“I always remind fellow employees that HR professionals are employees too.. we have limited scope and no magic wands.”

Everyone needs to prioritize self-care, regardless of their role. However, HR leaders are in a unique position where the combination of responsibilities can lead to burnout and emotional exhaustion much faster. For instance, data states that – 

• Over a third (36%) of HR professionals report that hearing employees’ stories related to death, illness, and workplace experiences negatively impacts their mental health. 
• While 93% find their work meaningful and purposeful, 75% also report that it is emotionally exhausting. 
• Additionally, managing the expectations between executives and employees is stressful for 80% of HR professionals, and 77% feel caught between leadership’s strategic vision and employees’ practical realities.

Given these challenges, it’s crucial for HR leaders to prioritize self-care. This not only ensures their own well-being but also enables them to support their teams effectively. In this article, we spoke to Ryan-Mae McAvoy to discuss some strategies on how HR leaders (or anyone else, really) can incorporate self-care into their workday.

Understanding Why HR Leaders Are Exhausted

Q: HR leaders are doing incredibly meaningful work, but it comes at a cost.  In your experience, what are the biggest contributors to emotional exhaustion in HR? Why is HR often seen as ‘the enemy’?

Ryan-Mae: I think there’s a lack of understanding about the role of HR. We often execute decisions that we may not have made ourselves. For example, if someone is terminated, it’s usually assumed that HR made that decision, but we often do not. We’re also very familiar with handling layoffs and policy changes.

COVID-19 was a prime example. HR professionals were genuinely trying to keep people safe while dealing with constantly changing orders. There were different belief systems and conflicting information. We were simply saying, “Here’s what we know at this moment.” It wasn’t about what we wanted, believed, or felt; it was about keeping people safe.

It’s important to understand that HR doesn’t make every decision. We don’t have that power, nor would we always agree with the decisions made. However, if something needs to be done, we will still give it our all. We approach situations with empathy and try to handle them the best we can. 

Self-Care Strategies for HR professionals

Q: How can HR leaders handle emotionally heavy stories from employees without compromising their own well-being? How can HR offer support without stepping into the role of a therapist?

“When people come to me with problems, I offer four solutions: we can work on it together, I can talk to people on your behalf, you can talk to them without me, or I can let you vent.”

Ryan-Mae:

• I’m a huge advocate for self-care. For everyone, self-care looks different. I’ve come to realize in the last couple of years that my whole life can’t revolve around being an HR person. I’m a wife, an aunt, and I have other interests. Taking the time to say, “Okay, at this moment, I’m going to be on the Peloton because that’s where I need to be,” instead of checking Slack and emails, is crucial. I need that hour to reset my brain.

• Similarly, holding boundaries is important. If you’re on PTO, disconnect from Slack and email. Just quiet the noise.

• Another essential aspect is having a support network. While I can talk to my husband, friends, and colleagues about what I’m feeling, it’s different when you can text someone in your HR network and say, “I’m not okay, this is the situation.” HR people are great at giving advice but not always at taking their own. Sometimes, you need that external person to remind you to disconnect.

• Regarding avoiding becoming a therapist, it’s crucial to be transparent with people who come to you with heavy mental health issues or problems at home. Be realistic about what you can do. I always ask, “Do you have an EAP? Are there resources you can use?”

• Transparency is vital for being approachable. I’m open about going to therapy and my own mental health struggles. When someone is struggling, they might feel more comfortable knowing I’ve had similar experiences. I tell them, “I can’t be your therapist. I’m not licensed, qualified, or trained for that.” Being clear about what you can offer and reminding people of their options is essential. If you don’t want anything done, I’ll hear you out, but understand there’s a limit to what I can do.

Q: How do you handle a negative reaction when you say “no” to employees as an HR professional?

Ryan-Mae: I always remind fellow employees that HR professionals are employees too.. We have limited scope and no magic wands. There’s no super-secret HR network where we share bad things about people. We are people too. Sometimes, employees say, “Well, that’s your job.” “No, my job is to support you and provide tools to the best of my ability. If you have other solutions or requests, let’s discuss them.” But I will be clear about my limits.

One powerful lesson from my first mentor was, “I will tell you no, but you and I can discuss it. I will never say no just because I said so.” This means you might still hear no, but you’ll feel heard. Sometimes, it’s a yes, or we find a compromise. 

These conversations remind us that nobody gets their way 100% of the time. I want you to know that I am here for you and I support you, but I’m also human and an employee. I don’t have endless resources or magic to make everything perfect. I wish I did, but we can only work with the tools we have.

You might initially agree and go along with something, only to realize halfway down the road that I probably shouldn’t be involved. I would say, “Hey, I really feel for you and I care about you, but I probably shouldn’t be involved at this point. I made a mistake and I apologize for that. I didn’t want to give you false hope or expectations. Let’s still work through it together, but understand that the path we were going down is not one I can actually support.”

Q: This is a two-part question:

• What self-care practices do you incorporate into your daily routine to maintain your mental health while managing the demands of your role?
• What key strategies can HR leaders adopt to build resilience and cope with the emotional demands of their job in the long term?

In the short term, it’s about finding what works for you, and this can change over time. Recently, I’ve become addicted to Peloton. If I’m struggling or getting irritated, it’s better for me to hop on for 20 minutes and reset my brain. This way, I come back refreshed and ready to solve problems. It could be taking a walk for some people, or putting on a dark eye mask for 20 minutes to reset. Finding practical, short-term solutions that work for you and being clear about them is crucial. For example, saying, “I’m going to take a walk to clear my head,” or, “I’m logging off early to hang out with my kids,” can be very effective.

For the long term, 

• I’m a big proponent of therapy. If you’re experiencing severe anxiety, it’s essential to seek professional help. Therapy is a tool, not a coddling session. My therapist is very straightforward and helps me work through issues without telling me what to do. Having an impartial person to talk to is incredibly valuable.

• Building a support network is equally important. Find networks and communities that understand you. Even if you’re shy or not outgoing, expressing that can help. Sometimes, you need a moment to share your experiences, like saying, “I had to terminate someone, and it was really hard.” You can’t express that during the call, but sharing it later with people who understand helps. Acknowledging your feelings and having a community that supports you is essential. Even on the hardest days at my current job, it’s still better than the better days at toxic jobs I’ve had before.

How to handle difficult situations where you feel like you’re taking on the role of a therapist

Building Support Systems for HRs

Q: Can you share some ideas on how HR professionals can build a strong support system?

LinkedIn is a really cost-effective resource. I know there was a huge issue with SHRM recently—they made some terrible choices, as usual. But the HR community really showed up. Many people, including myself, said, “Hey, I’m not the expert on this, but here are five people to follow who will have valuable opinions, thoughts, articles, and resources.”

This led to another HR leader stepping up and sharing a list of resources and communities that are not SHRM-affiliated. You can find them, and it’s all about finding the right communities for you. I’m in some communities where I’m not completely active, but I still try to contribute what I can. In other communities, I’m very engaged—talking to people every day, exchanging phone numbers, and meeting up for coffee when in the same city.

It’s essential to keep exploring and talking to others. Even if you’re shy, putting yourself out there is crucial. Most HR people are supportive. If you slide into someone’s messages and say, “I love your content, but I’m scared to publicly comment because of my job,” most will respond with, “I got you. What can I do to help?”

Q: How have online communities benefited the broader HR community?

Ryan-Mae: One of the great things that came out of the pandemic is that it forced us all into online communities. As I progress further into my HR career, I’ve noticed that when people reach out to me with questions about getting into HR, I’m always eager to help. I was very fortunate to have had two prominent mentors during my early days in HR, so I believe in paying it forward. If someone needs a mentor in an area I can speak to, I’m happy to assist.

“HR is evolving and becoming less of the “enemy,” thanks in part to mentorship and community conversations.”

Those of us who have been in the field for a while are more open to discussing the good, the bad, and everything in between. This transparency helps newcomers understand what they’re getting into and reassures them that they’re not alone.

The Role of Leaders 

Q: The pressure to balance emotional support for employees with a focus on business results can be a real tightrope walk. How can HR leaders find a healthy balance between these two seemingly opposing priorities? 

Ryan-Mae: Well, I don’t think that’s just an HR responsibility. Leaders in management need to understand whether the company is a people-first organization or a profit center. Where does your company land on that spectrum? One person can’t be the sole carrier of culture or balance all these aspects alone. 

If the decision involves layoffs or terminations, we recognize that while it might be the right business decision, it needs to be handled with respect and empathy. We aim to set people up for as much success as possible, even in difficult situations. 

“You can make hard business decisions and still be kind.”

The more consistently you do this, the more people notice that you genuinely consider the emotional and human aspects of your decisions.

CEOs have immense pressure to keep the business running and ensure everyone gets paid. It’s crucial to build a relationship where business decisions are balanced. Finance will present the fiscal impact, and HR will present the human impact. The goal is to balance these perspectives to find the best solution for everyone involved.

Q: How can organizations better support HR professionals in managing their mental health and well-being?

Having leadership that understands you are a person and an employee is the start. I am very fortunate with our organization because I can go to our CEO and express my frustrations without the fear of being judged. Sometimes, I don’t even need a solution; I just need to vent. Instead of reacting negatively, our CEO acknowledges my humanity and asks if I need time off or if there are tasks that can be reassigned so I can focus on the bigger items. Having leadership that recognizes HR professionals are human too is crucial.

Our CEO is very vocal about not having Slack or email on your phone. He encourages us to do our work and then go live our lives. 

For a long time, people assumed HR was robotic, a function that could be rolled back into the closet at 5 PM. It’s important to remind everyone that HR professionals have lives outside of work too. I’m a pet owner, I have doctor appointments, and I have a life. Working with leadership that understands this is essential. 

Q: How can HR leaders champion self-care within their teams, creating a culture of well-being across the organization?

Set examples, and set boundaries: As far as self-care goes, it’s about being human—logging off, walking away when needed. A hard part of this is that most HR teams are small. For instance, we’re a team of two. So, when one of us is on PTO, we are very clear with everyone: “There’s only one of us available, so please respect that and leave the other alone.”

Be vocal when you feel overwhelmed: It’s also crucial to be able to say, “I’m burnt out. How can we fix this?” If employees are getting inundated, we ask them to reflect on why. Are we asking you to be at your desk 20 hours a day? If not, then we need to address why you feel overwhelmed. Happiness is somewhat self-fulfilling; I can give you the tools, but you need to communicate your needs.

Remind your team about support available: We have several offerings for our employees, but people often forget about them due to the constant barrage of emails and Slack messages. We make it a point to remind everyone at least quarterly about the programs we offer. I even create Loom videos to show them exactly where to find these resources. It’s about making it easy to access and remember the tools available to them.

Q: What advice would you give to new HR leaders who are just starting out and might be struggling with the emotional aspects of the job?

“As a younger HR leader, it’s crucial to speak up, ask questions, and find mentors who appreciate your curiosity.”

Advocate for yourself: If someone dismisses your questions as dumb, they’re not the right person to ask. It’s like dating—sometimes you have to try, try, and try again. I was an EA for a period because I couldn’t find an HR job. It was a pivotal moment when someone leading the HR practice at a consultancy took a chance on me. I sold myself by explaining how my admin skills would translate to HR and emphasized my eagerness to learn. This opportunity was a springboard to the next level for me.

Talk to peers with similar interests: If you aspire to specialize in benefits, find the experts. For example, I refer benefits questions to a specialist friend because that’s not my forte. However, I can talk endlessly about remote work, the four-day workweek, and non-traditional approaches. Sharing what works for us may help others, even if it doesn’t directly apply to them.

Ask Questions: If you don’t ask questions, no one will know you need help. Encourage young HR professionals to ask everyone they know in HR. Recently, someone reached out because her sister was considering pivoting to HR. She sent me some great questions, and I provided detailed, honest answers about the good, the bad, and the in-between. This saved her years of potentially pursuing an HR role that wasn’t right for her.